Hey guys, welcome to another episode of the Stephen McCain Podcast. This one's gonna be a little personal. I have just returned from a six day ayahuasca retreat in Spain. I decided that this is something that I've wanted to do. For a while, I have felt the calling. And so I just wanted to share my experience with my community because I watched a lot of people online that helped me make the decision to do something like this, which is not something I recommend that you take lightly.
It's a, it's a pretty intense experience, but I do feel that. If you're doing it for the right reasons and you have the calling and you've set the right intentions that it can be one of the most powerful transformations of your life. It was for me. And so I want to share my experience and yeah, I think it's, it's good for me to put it out there.
It's good for me to share it because I'm part, it's part of living my truth. And if you are feeling the calling, maybe this will help. You know, give you a little insight into how to go about this and what it actually entails. So why did I even decide to do this? I think in my life, I've felt that there was something that was kind of bothering me for a long time.
And it really felt like it was putting a glass ceiling on what I was capable of as a, as a human. And I just couldn't put my finger on it. And, You know, I've done quite a bit of therapy and worked on myself a lot quite a bit and all for the better. And but I just felt like there was something that was evading me and I wanted to dig in and see if I could find out what it was.
And so I looked up, I found a place called Avalon. I'll put a link in the description. And they, they had a lot of great reviews. I found them on, on retreats. guru, I believe, and seemed completely legit, had a lot of great positive reviews and it wasn't. I just didn't really want to go to the jungle to do this.
I wanted to do it a little bit more in the comfort of a slightly more just normal circumstance. I figured it was already going to be powerful enough. And I think it was really good. It was very comfortable. It was six days. for ayahuasca experiences, plus the option to do something called bufo, which I will talk to you about.
And then there was also a holotropic breathing session, which in its own right was very intense. So it was jam packed. They do ask you to adhere to some diet restrictions. You want to start weaning yourself off of caffeine, sugar, and start moving to plant based diet, which I had no problem with. And I understand when I got there why they have you do this because you don't want your physiology getting in the way.
You don't want your blood sugar to be dysregulated. You don't want to be having headache withdrawals from. From caffeine and I found that they fed us and I thought the food was great. I never once at all felt like, Oh, I'm going without, or I'm, I'm super hungry or anything like that. And I felt very stable.
So that was great. And you know, you show up, it was less than 20 people in my group. They, you know, we're all strangers. And by the end of it, we all leave very, very good friends and knowing a hell of a lot about each other. It was unbelievable and I really felt like I got what I wanted out of it I don't think this is just something you want to check the box on if you're a biohacker and You're just like oh, I hear great things about this But again, if you really feel like you have some some calling for this I really do think it is far and away something that can directly connect you with yourself more than anything I've seen.
So let me tell you a little bit about it. You show up, you should have an intention and the intention is what you want out of the journey. And I'll be honest, I was Frickin terrified because I watched a few videos online of people and they had some horrific experiences I mean you there is that the chance that it could go to the dark side I Didn't have anything like that.
So but I didn't know what to expect. I've had some experience with psilocybin and LSD before and other you know, therapeutic compounds that I've always used in a respectful way. And I've had good experiences with them, but I didn't really know what to expect with ayahuasca. I did set really good intentions.
I showed up and brought the most of myself to it. You know, you go in this room where there are all these pads. Everyone has a bucket. It's for you to purge into, to puke. And they have a shaman there. Who's been doing this stuff forever. They make the, you know, the ayahuasca, they bless it. They, they do all this stuff behind the scenes.
Now I'm not an expert on this stuff. Some people know all the lineages and they know the different sort of where the plant comes from and originates in the different species. I don't know any of that. I just basically was going off of what I deemed was. Company that had a lot of integrity, which they did.
They were very, very everyone that worked there had been through these experiences and they devoted their life to helping people. So it was, I felt like I was in really good hands, but you show up to the ceremony and wearing comfortable clothes. You pick a mat, you know, there's some blankets there. You have your bucket, like I said, and then there's the shaman and then there's someone playing music.
Sometimes it's the shamans, but sometimes it's a separate music person and the music is. A huge component of it. I cannot tell you how much you connect with the music. And it's almost like the soundtrack of your emotions while you're going through the experience. So we started with something called Rapa, Rape, and it's, Basically like ground up tobacco leaves and they blow it up your nose.
And when it hits you, it's like, Oh, it is pretty, pretty impactful. Now I've, I have had some experience with this. Cause I've used John Laurent has this nasal spray rapé and he calls it the Zen spray and I like it. So I, I, I didn't have a problem with the rapé, but some people will already were.
puking because they just, they, they didn't know what it was. And it would just, it can be a little bit accosting and a little jarring when it first hits you. But what it does is it puts you in a bit of a Zen state alpha potentially where you're just calm because you want to enter your ayahuasca experience from a place of calmness.
And for me, what I did is I did. A lot of box breathing before every session. So I did about 45 minutes of box breathing. If you don't know what box breathing is, it's where you breathe in for four to five seconds, you hold for four to five seconds, you exhale for four to five seconds, and then you hold that for four to five seconds.
So it's like a box. Breathe in, hold, exhale, hold each for about four to five seconds. And this helps you put your nervous system in a parasympathetic state. And then they call you up to have a cup of ayahuasca. You set your intention. I set my intention. And then I drank it. You go back to your mat. And they recommend that you sit up.
So you can kind of sit up against the wall. And I just box breathed for about 45 minutes until it came on. The thing with ayahuasca, they say, is that it speaks to you. They call it mother, mother ayahuasca. It's like a grandmother plant spirit. Now, I'm not somebody that I don't have the vernacular of people that are really into this stuff.
And A lot of times it's why I have a hard time subscribing to certain religions and things like that, just because it's, I just, it's, I don't know. I don't connect, but I have always been a spiritual person. I feel, I can feel my spirit in me and I, and I, I feel the connection with everything else in the world.
And I was very open minded and I suggest, Everybody be open minded if you're going to do ayahuasca to hearing grandmother ayahuasca speak to you, because that is where a lot of profound moments happen. And so the first evening I had a very beautiful experience. I forgave myself for a lot of things in my life that I was judging myself for.
And feeling, you know, just less than. It was a really, really beautiful experience. In fact, the first night was so great. I felt like I could have left after that. I kind of feel like I got what I wanted from it. I, I really, you know, forgave my dad in, in an instant, you know, I, my dad left when I was two and You know, kind of left a hole in my heart as a, as a kid and always trying to, you know, fill it up with, you know, a lack that was there, a black hole, I called it, you know and I just realized that that thing with my dad was never, ever going to change.
What could change is my relationship to it. I could be different. I could just understand that, hey, this will exist and that's okay. It's totally fine. I had another ayahuasca experience, beautiful experience. And all good things, you know, that I was realizing a lot of stuff around judgment, how much judgment really shuts us off from the present and the actually learning something.
And it, and we all have it, it comes up, but we, you know, we had this holotropic breath experience and we showed up, it was early morning after already doing two nights ayahuasca. And. The teacher who was there was sitting there meditating while we're waiting. And I, and immediately I started having judgment.
I thought, did we just come here to watch this guy meditate? Is that what we're doing here? And, and you, you, you, and then he gave us the most beautiful experience that was so powerful. And. I just realized that judgment is just an expectation, not being in the present, judging. It just cuts off all learning experience.
And it was, it's so easy to see that how this stuff just comes up in life. It was a really great reminder, but the biggest, most unbelievable experience I have was on my third ayahuasca journey. And it was New Year's Eve and I set the intention that I wanted to show up for 2025 in every capacity of my life, business, relationships, friendship, family, everything for myself.
I wanted to show up and be a hundred percent me, pure, authentic, most I can be. And they had these like little, I don't know if they were like some sort of oils that had some sort of vibration in it, but there was these different ones. And I chose the power one that they put these drops in. And I thought, well, power will be good for showing up.
And because it was New Year's Eve, we, we drank our ayahuasca and I set my intention and we started doing a lot of dancing because it was kind of a, it was a celebration. It was New Year's Eve. And I just remember feeling. Zero inhibition, just really dancing as myself without like, how am I moving and what's going on doing my self conscious?
None of that. Just really, really self confident feeling bury me through and through. And as the ayahuasca came on, you know, if you know, my background as a, as a gymnast, you know, I, I like to move and. I started doing a lot of stretching and yoga, really connected with myself. I mean, big time. And I, I mean, I was so dialed into me and stretching.
It just felt amazing. And I went through all my, my little routine that I always do. And. Then I went and I laid on my mat and I took off my shirt because I was so hot. And I laid there and the ayahuasca really started coming on. But I was feeling totally euphoric, totally connected with myself. Perfect.
And I remember looking at the ceiling and, and felt like this void opened up. And I remember hearing this voice that said, it's all about the relationship to yourself. And In that moment, it was so profound for me because I realized that I hadn't treated my, myself in the best way. I, I had been very hard on myself, perfectionist, and I was not able up to that point to love myself unconditionally.
And in return, I can't give other people in my life unconditional love. I can't give it to myself. It was very profound for me, this feeling, and it, it took me to another level of bliss and euphoria. And I was on my hands and knees, just sobbing, tears of joy. And I, I told myself, I said, I got you, Steven.
I've got you. I just kept saying it over and over. I've got you. I will give you a great life. I promise you I will take care of you. I will be there for you. I will make sure you stay healthy. I will provide for you. You will have a great life. I've got you, Steven. I've got you. And that little boy in me, Stevie, we call him, that never got that, that love that he He was looking for the, and that little boy is a strong boy.
He, he, he was able to make an Olympic team because of trying to win the love of a father he never had. And a lot of compassion for how much I've compensated because of not being able to love myself unconditionally.
It was it was the key that I feel unlocked me as a person. And I feel I've never given myself that before. And I've never given it to anybody else.
One aspect, it's kind of sad that it's taken me 51 years old, but I'm so thankful that I've, I've realized this. And after that moment, I, I reached what I felt like was enlightenment. I. Everything made sense, everything. And I just remember being like, Oh my God, Oh my God. I was like, it was complete euphoria.
And in that moment, I, I felt the essence of God. I felt that I understood that we're all in this together. That animals, the earth, we're All of us, we are all connected and this unconditional love is, is the glue that connects all of us. All the other things are just things that get in the way and then hamper it.
And in this moment, I, I realized I will serve, I will serve God. I will, I will, I will do my mission to improve people's lives. To try to make this world a better place that I'm a part of, , I will do my part. And in this, this moment of, of feeling this presence with God that I've never felt in my entire life, I look up and the shaman, who was this female, was dressed in a white gown and was playing this instrument.
guitar and singing right in front of my mat, it was like an angel was in front of me. I couldn't believe it. I, I was this, I was like, this is a sign. This is it's, it's unmistakably a sign. It was unexplainable. how it all came together. And I remember there was a facilitator there. There's people that just help make sure everything's going well.
And I went up to him, I tapped him on the shoulder and I said, can I give you a hug? I just wanted to share this experience with somebody. And I started sobbing and, and I told him that I, I feel God. I, I, I understand my life. Everything is perfect. I understand why everything is the way it is. It's perfect.
Everything is perfect. I, I, I understand. And I, I really hadn't talked about this much until I just had a conversation with a friend of mine and he mentioned sacred geometry. And I remember that whole time during that period where I felt like I was enlightened. Everything was perfect spirals of, of geometry, like Fibonacci everywhere, like perfect, because a lot of times when you're, when you're hallucinating on these things, you'll, you'll see, it's kind of random.
You'll see eyes looking at you and you'll see weird things and, and it's kind of really random. Then as you get to this absolute connection with yourself and. wherever I got, it's like the hallucinations become perfect geometrical shapes, tunnels of Fibonacci, mind boggling. It was, it was the most powerful experience of my life.
And it was a template for me. It was a template where I realize my job is to fill up my cup first. Thank you. I have to take care of Steven. I cannot do anything for anyone else if I do not take care of Steven first. So my mornings, I have to do what Steve has to do to fill himself up, to feel loved, to feel ready and complete, fill my cup so I can fill others, and then to engage in my purpose, to improve the lives of other people, health, longevity, fitness, biohacking.
To help put out there in the world, what I feel like I'm here to do.
I don't think it's more complicated than that for me. And I feel like I've danced around a lot of
things and tried tactics to understand this. But I just don't believe that you can be a hundred percent for somebody else, if you can't be a hundred percent to yourself.
That was my. That was my lesson. That's, that's ultimately what I got. Now, I will say, having been a biohacker for a long time, 15, 16 years, and a performer, I, I felt like it really helped me in these experiences because being a performer, I knew how to show up and put myself in a zone state and control my emotions and really bring the most of myself, even though I was scared shitless, to the experience.
I was ready to walk through fire. And then from the biohacking side, I've dosed so many different compounds in my life that I was very good at not overdoing the ayahuasca. The most I did was a cup and a half. And I had the most unbelievable experience of my life just doing one cup. And I feel like that was a combination of bringing myself 100 percent with a really good intention and making the most out of it with one cup.
Just one cup. I was, I think I was the only person in the whole room that didn't purge the whole week. I didn't throw up. I definitely was nauseous, but I, I didn't throw up, but there were people doing over four cups that I saw at times. And everybody's on their own journey. I'm not judging. You know, it's some people just needed more, I guess.
But I, I, I do feel that. really connecting with yourself and not trying to use the ayahuasca to just give you everything, like to try to bring yourself to the ayahuasca. I think that worked really well for me personally. I, it's a long experience, eight hours and. I think the more my, my idea was the more later in the evening that I continued to dose, the more tired I'm going to get mentally and spiritually.
I'm going to like, I'm going to start getting exhausted. My mind starts, might start going to some dark places. I just might lose my intention. I might lose track of time. I wanted to really. You know, show up and get the most out of it right out of the gate. And I feel like I did that. And, and they did also have this bufo, which is DMT where you smoke it.
And supposedly you just go to the cosmos for 25 minutes. Your complete ego dissolved, you know, just gone. I showed up, I was going to do it and I backed out because I didn't know why I was going to, I didn't know why I didn't really know why I was doing it and I had no intention. And I thought, I just feel like I'm doing drugs at this point.
If I'm going to do this, I feel like I'm just doing it to have a cool experience. And I was like, ah, that's not why I'm here. But what it did is it, it allowed me to realize that I was getting a little cool. lackadaisical in my approach and that allowed me to really button myself up and show up and really do the work before I walked into the room on that ayahuasca journey where I had an amazing experience.
So overall, I highly recommend ayahuasca. It's beautiful. It has this resolution aspect to it. Or it's like some psychedelics, you know, they can just be like, you're just on this ride. But like, ayahuasca is like, it wants to resolve something in you. It like wants to have this arc, a beginning, middle, and end.
And it has this way of finding stuff in you that bubbles up from your subconscious, that it wants to resolve. And you can't really hide from. And. What's so weird is you can be in this total experience where you're tripping and once this thing goes through the resolution aspect, it's like all of a sudden like you're, you're not completely, you know I don't know if you want to call it sober, but you're, it like resolves and it kind of washes away and then your conscious comes back.
But yet your conscious now has all these answers from your subconscious. And they can, it's like you're able to just go, Oh, I get it. Let me put this to here that this actually goes here. His goes here. His goes here. It's really about like getting this homeostasis with your subconscious and your conscious.
It's beautiful. That's absolutely beautiful. I highly recommend it. I highly recommend Avalon again. I'm not a connoisseur of this type of stuff, but I can't think of anything I was missing out on. And I, I would recommend it to. All my friends and anyone that's interested. Again, I'll put a link. If you have any questions about this experience, if you've been thinking about it leave a comment.
I'm happy to get back to you about it. You know, I'll just say this is something to be absolutely respected. There is a lot of reverence and respect for this from, with the shamans, the, you know, the goal is to create a very, very safe environment that should be absolutely respected so that people can go through their own journeys, process, whatever it is that they're trying to process.
And that has to be respected.
But I'm very glad I did it. And it was a hell of a way to start off 2025 as a new man. And then my birthday was January 9th, so I turned 51. Yeah, it's a great experience. Really, really good. I'm glad I had the courage to do it. And it's also really made me appreciate that. You know, I've spent a lot of time in the biochemistry side of things for health, but this energy side is just as important to me now.
It really is. And that's where I started years and years and years ago, doing a lot of meditations and silent retreats and holotropic breathing and chanting and yoga. And I feel like I'm coming back around to adding that to all of these fascinating biochemistry hacks that I do. And I really think that I'm a happier person.
I think there's more joy in me. And what's the whole point of living a long life just for the sake of living a long life? Because you want to be into longevity if, if you're not going to enjoy yourself, if you can't unconditionally love yourself. So happy I did it. And if you're considering it, hopefully this helped you.
That's it. Hope you enjoyed this episode. I will catch you on the next one. Stay healthy, everyone. Bye bye.
